7/20/2020

I had been up this morning since around 3 AM since my little shorty had woke up and wanted something to eat. I fed him around 1:30, but putting him back down after a bottle is slightly difficult. The baby got gas, and bad. Never seen a baby fart out of anger, but it's the funniest thing I have ever seen! Once he finally did go back to sleep though, I was up so I just continued to watch my crime dramas, you know how I do. Rolled me a nice li'l piece and had a chill rest of my pre-morning until I drifted off to sleep, but I was back up again at three and been up since.
Emelda almost scared the shit outta me when she walked through the door because Terrance had already left and went to work and I wasn't expecting him back until probably like sixish. Usually I'm sleep when she gets here and I wake up to the Spanish talk radio station and the smell of breakfast cooking, but today was different. She came in, asked me how I was doing and joked in broken English how she rarely sees me this early in the morning. I just grinned and went on bout my business.
So studying for a new career and caring for a baby during the day is nowhere near as sedentary as I thought it would be when it was suggested. See, when I got pregnant I was working hard as hell. I had about three jobs, one full time, and two little side delivery gigs that raked in bank. I rarely ever stopped, one: because I didn't want to, and two: I like money way too much, you feel me... But once I started getting sick and having to spend way more time in the hospital than an I actually anticipated, Terrance said fuck all that. The man was already working sixty hours a week at this pharmaceutical plant, but that was actually his choice because he likes money too, and that's a pretty decent job he tells me. But he went and got a night job driving a forklift at somebody's warehouse in the middle of the night for only like, three hours three nights a week, but he gets paid about fifteen dollars an hour. See... We some hustlers. I told him I never really saw myself as somebody who just sat back and let somebody take care of me, and I couldn't see myself just NOT working, but I was really in no position to talk about trying to work laying in somebody's hospital bed. It was like, everything changed really, really fast, but for the better. We had started raking in more money than I had ever seen, I ended up getting some much needed health insurance, and shit was going good.
My mom hadn't seen much of me since before the holidays, and she had made it her duty to constantly video call and check on me to make sure I was being taken care of in her absence, even if I was three hours ahead of her timezone. She kept asking me how were we keeping our "big ass" house clean with him working so much and me being confined to the bed. I told her how Terrance had hired Emelda who takes care of the cleaning and he had started this weird meal prepping thing for us where he cooks hella food on Sunday morning, then packages it all up in these fancy little containers for us to eat for the week. I usually didn't eat much due to all that constant throwing up. It takes an absolute mountain of something to impress my mama, but for once in a month of forevers, she didn't have anything to say but, "Ohh!" Yes, girl. My mans got this!
She doesn't know much about him because when me and Terrance met... It was kind of a secret. I had been secretly talking to a man I had met online knowing good and well I was in a long-term relationship with a man of my past who won't be mentioned much. Only thing I will say about that, is we were together long enough for a ring to had been purchased, but he felt the need to string me along longer to straighten himself out. By then, I had had enough, you feel me? Why waste my time with this waste of a nigga and there's somebody on the opposite side of the county willing to pursue me and give me what I want and need out of our relationship? I mean, come on. The first words out of this man's mouth after we finally introduced ourselves in person was that he was tired of the bullshit and ready to make somebody's daughter happy. And let me tell you something, Ida Mae Sturgess' daughter... Is HAPPY. Since that day we had been on date after date, we were spending more and more time together, and we were slowly starting to gel as a couple! It was real cute, I was just enjoying myself and my newfound happiness way too much to ruin it by flapping my gums too soon. I honestly don't think mama knew anything about me and that OTHER man's relationship still going on, but she had never really concerned herself with my love life anyway. But somehow along the way of us enjoying each other maybe a little too much, a blessing in the form of a little boy came along. Seriously, I was scared as hell. I had constantly vowed that I would at least be engaged if I ever got pregnant and uh,that ain't what the stars had planned for me. But the moment we found out, I really thought things would go left and our built up relationship would come crashing down, but the complete opposite happened. This man... This man hopped his ass into action. Since then, we've moved into a completely bigger house with three stories. We're in the mountains. Only house for about a mile and a half, and such large windows looking over a hill standing atop of a big ass lake. New baby, new keys. Of course now with the baby and everything I'm stuck to one level of the house, center level where our bedroom and den area is, but that's why I'm glad we have Emelda now. And with his meal prepping, all she has to do is pop a container in the microwave for me and bring it downstairs.
Really, all I do now is study, take my quizzes and tests online, get my tutoring online, and watch our son. I actually don't mind it because it's been a long time since I was able to just sit and relax. My mom has always wanted me to find a man to settle down with that was going to take care of me in literally every since of the word "care". And once I finally did, she ain't know how to act. At all. And neither do I, really! I really have everything I could have ever asked for right now!
I don't have much to do today, other than a medical terminology quiz that's due at 4pm today. I was going to get up, do tummy time with Maverick and then maybe do some yoga or something. I've been trying to find ways to calm my mind as well as my body during this motherhood journey. Emelda is done cleaning the first level of the house by the time I have my water bottle and yoga mat ready for my workout. I find a mindfulness yoga workout on the roku tv to do and within about fifteen minutes my mind and body is completely calm.
I change into one of Terrance's super long t-shirts and grab a bottle of mineral water and the baby. His tummy time mat is set up in the middle of the living room, so I can watch both him and our mounted 84 inch TV at the same time. I put on the Sprout channel for him and he settles into his chill time as well. Maverick's only two months old, but he can already pull himself from one side of the mat to the other. I've started having to literally trap him in a swaddle and sit him up in his boppy if I feel like I'm about to take a nap, because knowing that boy, he'd be all the way across the room by the time I woke up. Lol I'm scrolling through my Twitter feed when my phone starts ringing, and it's my mom wanting to facetime.

Me: Hey mommy!
Mom: Hey baby, how are you and my grandson?
Me: We're doing fine. Mav, say hey to Grandma!

I turn the phone towards him and his face lights up as soon as he hears his grandma's voice. I told you, he's only two months old, but that child is smart. He recognizes voices and he smiles all the time. He looked at the phone and smiled, I'm not sure if was because he recognized her face or he saw his on the screen.

Mom: How you holding up in that big ass house?
Me: (Laughs) I laugh every time you say that! I'm doing fine... Told you we got a housekeeper right?
Mom: Yeah, and I damn sure don't blame you. With Terrance working all the time, and you having to watch the baby and go to school too is enough to let your house go to neglect. And I bet that big ass house is hard to keep clean by yourself.
Me: It is, but Emelda almost cleans as good as you. Almost.
Mom: (Laughs) I like how you said almost. Girl you know nobody can clean better than ya mama. Hell if I was closer, I'd probably be cleaning something of yours right now, you know how I get.
Me: Yeeeah, I do. (Laughs)
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Me: What you up to, Mama?
Mom: Nothing girl just sitting here nodding, looking at TV. You been eating okay? How's your appetite been since the baby been born?
Me: Oh, okay. It's been better; it's finally starting to come back... And with a vengeance too.
Mom: What have you been eating, girl? You know you better be careful, because with all that weight you lost, it's gon come right back since you're eating again.
Me: Ugh, don't remind me. I just got finished doing a workout actually, but Terrance been meal prepping for me. He cooks stuff like asparagus and salmon now...
Mom: Giiiiirl... I can't wait to finally meet that man... He does so well by you, seem like. I like that.
Me: He does. Oh, how's Mike?
Mom: He's doing alright. He asked about you too. Told me to tell you to stop hiding his granddaughter from him.

I roll my eyes and scoff.

Mom: You can send him pictures sometimes, too you know.
Me: (mumbles) Yeah, but do I want to...
Mom: Huh?
Me: Nothing, Mama. A'ight let me go, I gotta fix Mav a bottle.
Mom: Okay baby, I'll talk to youi later!
Me: Alright!

I got off the phone real quick. Cuz whenever she starts talking about my step-father, I immediately get irritated. I mean, I don't hate the man, but we don't have anything in common. We weren't able to find anything to bond over, because by the time he came into the picture for real, for real, I was on my way to college and at that point, I was on some "No new friends" type shit. And that included new parents too. Like I said, I have no beef with the man, but he acts like he's my biological father when it comes to Maverick and I'm just like... Chill out, you know? My actual father, I'm not even sure if that man even knows he's a got a grandson now, but that's none of my business because I canceled him a while ago. I tried to call this man and wish him a happy birthday but after about ten missed calls, my pride wouldn't let me do it anymore. My heart grew cold and I just said fuck it. My mama knows not to ask me about that man... Because every time she brings him up, I become a different person. My tone changes to almost something unrecognizable and my temper becomes very short and curt. It's like the very mention of that man's name brings out the absolute worst in my spirit. And I try to avoid that.
By the time I got off the phone with her, Maverick was snuggled in his blanket and comfortably propped up on his pillow. Sleep. Knocked. I changed the channel from Sprout since the little one was finally asleep, and decided to indulge in some garbage ass reality TV. Now, what a lot of people don't know about me is, as dignified as I am with my li'l Health Care Management degree, I pretend not to like certain shit when I'm around my friends and family, but once I'm by myself, I enjoy a lil ratchet self-indulgence sometime. Lol I haven't been keeping up much with Love & Hip-Hop but when the re-runs come on in the middle of the day I always make time to watch it when I got my alone time. Lol
I get back up a little quietly and head to the kitchen because after all of this, I'm hungry. I was thinking about what my mom said because I was definitely about to make a Philly Cheesesteak or something but I knoooow better. I tossed some spinach in one of my favorite ceramic bowls and threw in some grilled chicken pieces along with some croutons, red bell peppers, and a low-fat balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Healthy shit... Even though I wanted some garbage to go along with my garbage on TV. I sit back down and wrap my blanket back around me while I eat my salad and watch my trash.
About maybe twenty minutes into the show, Emelda comes back upstairs to clean the level I'm on now. She usually dusts and vacuums this whole area, but I just told her she can leave the vacuuming of the den to me since I'll be in here for a while just chilling and having some me time. She says ok and asks me if I need anything else and I tell her no. She's so sweet, even though she's only been coming for a couple of weeks now, I already feel like she's an older auntie to me.
Maverick's still sleeping soundly in his swaddle laying on his boppy so I'm definitely about to enjoy the rest of the quiet. I get a little bit bored watching the garbage while eating my salad so I turn on my other guilty pleasure from Lifetime, Bring It. Lol I love a good reality show but this is a lot less ratchet and I'm definitely okay with that right now. Nothing better than little black girls pursuing their dreams and their mommies right along with em. I love this show!
Scrolling through my twitter, there's absolutely nothing I'm feeling right now. Like, I don't even know why I still have a twitter. It's nothing on there but bitter ass people arguing with each other about trivial bullshit, but I've had my account since I was a junior in high school when the website first launched, so I'm an OG. I can't just DELETE my account, but I AM indeed tired of them niggas. There's always somebody on there who isn't a marginalized person or in a protected class of people playing pain Olympics with someone WHO IS, and it's infuriating as fuck to read, but I've realized lately those people are just purposely fucking inflammatory and have nothing else to do with their lives. It's sad really. Like, my nigga go start a family. Why are you on here saying things that your mother would slap you for just because you're bored. I don't understand. Make it make sense.
I close out after hitting up one of my followers I find myself somehow talking to every day. I scroll through my Facebook feed and see something similar to the same bullshit twitter has to offer, only it be people real live arguing about small town shit. It be so funny to me to read because I literally just sit here minding my business and collecting the tea in a classy manner. Get me some crumpets, bitch! Found out this girl I went to high school with ruined this lady's marriage. It was all over the feed, the  whole argument and everything. Apparently the girl was fucking this lady's husband while she was at work. The husband worked second shift for an extermination company or some shit, but either way at around 8:30 am, shorty would come over in some skanky ass maid uniform, no bra, titties and ass out cuz she never did like wearing underwear. (That was the rumor from all the boys at school.) Well, in between the time where he was supposed to be home by himself, and the wife was at work before he left and went to go make HIS money, he was working HER the hell over. Chile yes, the wife walked in while he had her legs up, from behind 'cross the arm of the sofa with his back turned to the front door. Yeah, this whole story is in graphic detail all over my feed along with the screenshots of texts that her and the wife exchanged after she threatened her out of the house with a goddamn butcher knife. Yeah, Missus was not playing. But it's almost like this girl is bragging about it! And honestly, I would be too if I secured a rich man and broke up a marriage AND secured more money in the process. Get cha coins sis! I just couldn't do it. I'm a faithful type bitch and that's literally to everybody, including people I don't know. The way I live life, I don't want nobody violating me in that way, so I don't do shit that warrants other people to do me that way. You know. But like I said, I do live for a hot cup of tea, you feel me.

I peel back my blanket to prepare myself to get off of the couch. I stand up and pick Maverick up off the floor and head upstairs to put him in the crib so he can sleep without my surveillance. I come back downstairs to grab something out of the fridge. By the time I got up and started moving around, Emelda was done cleaning, and heading out the door. Before she walks out, she gives me a hug like she normally does and heads to her scheduled Lyft. Along with her regular salary, and pretty much treating her like family, Terrance has Lyfts scheduled for her to and from our house every month. I'm telling you, we love the hell out of this woman! I start rummaging through the fridge for a snack and I just settle on some sandwich meat, some cheddar blocks, some grapes, and a few carrots. I put it all out on our li'l board and made me a cute li'l snack tray and head back downstairs to my little cave after grabbing the baby monitor. 

I set my nest back up on the couch and put my show back on. In a few minutes, Terrance will probably be walking through the door from work and I'm actually really excited to see him. It's been a long time since I've been excited to see the man I was with. I used to be with a man that literally drained the hell out of me. We were incompatible in almost every aspect, but I tried so hard to keep it together for both of us because I was so afraid that the years I spent with this dude would go to waste. Little did I know, they were a waste anyway. He worked all the time too, but this was when I working too like I had somebody other than me to provide for.